22 August 2008

Magazines meant for women are mean to women

I think that magazines meant for women are mean to women. While they write about self-acceptance, they often don't help at all. Quite the opposite in fact. Below is how I see the average magazine for women.

Awesome thighs
This is another exercise program that will leave you disappointed. Let's be honest - you're not a very motivated and systematic person. If you were, you'd already have the thighs you want, or at least realistic views about them. But since you're reading this, you don't. This article will raise your expectations (see the model? she's trying our workout for the first time and just look at her photoshopped perfect body), but you'll give exercising up pretty soon and add this to your failure list that gets longer with every magazine issue.
Still, remember your thighs are the most important thing about you and define who you are as a person, that's why we are putting so much emphasis on them, so failing to complete this program makes you a failure.
Next issue: your butt.

No restrictions diet
Yay, eat what you want. Just do it five times a day in small portions and drink lots of water. We know we've been telling you this for 10 years, but you've probably forgotten, you dumb blonde, or you can't even stick to that, you failure.

1000 reasons to eat chocolate
Yay, eat chocolate at will! Those three celebrities do and stay thin, so you can too. Last month, we did the same about nuts (so you can eat nuts at will) and next month, we'll cover the benefits of ice-cream. Because diets should have no restrictions.

Learn a skill
When we mean skill, we mean curling your lashes, applying eyeliner, or something equally shallow. Something that might impress only your shallowest girlfriends. We'd never suggest you to learn a new language, that you could use in various occasions, add to your resume, tell a human about... no. Cause we don't believe you could do that. All the skills you can learn resolve around hair and make-up.

Get rid of cellulite
There is no such term in medicine. We don't care. It's inevitable. We don't care. If you put all the effort (and money) you're putting in eliminating poverty, the world would be such a better place. But that's not what we want you to do: we want you to think cellulite is a real problem (unlike poverty, it's affecting you!) and make you work on it as if your life (or many other lives)
depended on it. Why accomplish anything when you can fight cellulite for the rest of your life?

Best products for biggest problems
Shadows under your eyes? Problem. No time for your family? Not a problem. Rough feet? Problem. Rough character? Not a problem. Dry skin? Problem. Dry summer causing famine in Africa? Not a problem. It's all about the priorities.

Hottest clothes
Latest, hottest, best! Look how great they look on the model! Too bad you would look ridiculous in them. But turn to page X where we advise you on dressing for your silhouette and propose you something totally different.

Dating advice
Don't ask questions he doesn't like, like "how do I look in this dress?". Don't expect marriage, he doesn't want to commit to you and you'd make him feel uncomfortable. Feel uncomfortable yourself. And if you nag him about marriage too much, you'll scare him off, so don't do that if you want your relationship to work. Actually, don't talk about your needs, just the intimate ones, that turns him on.
Oh, wait, you're between guys? Don't worry, you can easily get one if you don't show a trace of dignity or respect for yourself. Just show legs, show tongue, show no sign of intelligence - and you're done! A male you deserve should be yours by now.

Wow, I got carried away. I guess it's hard to find a magazine that would be filled with both good content and pretty pictures.

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